On Golden Wings

My family has a long line of daughters relying on mothers. I have two brothers, my mom four brothers, and my beautiful, late Grandmama 2 brothers as well. We were flowers among sturdy oaks and we needed each other.

Psalm 103:13-18: “Just as a father has compassion on his children, So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust. As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.”
— Psalm 103:13-18
My Grandmama and my Mama circa 1955

My Grandmama and my Mama circa 1955

After being sent home as a healthy, baby girl on December 7, 1985, my mama’s whole world turned upside down three months later. Her sweet peaches would need open heart surgery to fix a congenital heart defect that developed after birth. The sweet peach was me. Now that I am a mama I cannot imagine the worry and stress my parents must have felt; completely out of control…. my life literally in God’s hands. My Grandmama and Grandpapa flew in immediately. As my mom quivered with fright, looking at her new angel girl completely covered in tubes and surgical tape, my Grandmama sat by my mama and whispered, “Imagine Kelsey in a glow of yellow light. This light is God… protecting her when you cannot.”

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
— Psalm 27:1

My mama and I pre-surgery circa January 1986

The doctor’s hands were guided by the Lord and at age 16 years I was completely cleared as having a healthy heart. The repair not even visible anymore it was so flawless. But from that fateful, surgical day in April 1986, my mama has been my rock. Walking with me when anything thing gets rough. When I was 16 years old, I battled depression. My mama never left my side. Searching out whatever medical professionals I needed.

After laboring through the night, my sweet Addelyn was welcomed into the world. With Daddy busy being her protector, all I wanted was my Mama to help me become a mama.

When Addelyn was 3 years old, I was struggling with anorexia. I found myself controlling my food intake to an extreme and exercising non-stop trying to find any sort of control in this crazy thing called motherhood. Again, my mama, walking my daughter, Addelyn, in a stroller while I went to a sports nutritionist, had my back.

In that same time frame I accepted Christ as my Savior, finally surrendering to the fact that He is ultimately in control and my life has never been the same since.

Fast forward to April 2014. Zarra Rebekah entered the world an hour after Christmas 2013. Her water birth was glorious, she was precious and I was finally a mama again after trying for a whole year. But then a dark cloud, an anxious cloud, an obsessive compulsive cloud loomed above. Post-partum depression sucked any joy from every ounce of my body. It was paralyzing. My mama was my warrior. Answering every single panicked call I made to her every day. After hitting rock bottom, my mom met me on the floor of my house and said, “Kelsey, this has been harder for me to watch you go through than open heart surgery and so, remembering what your Grandmama told me during that horrible moment in life, I will tell you the same. You are enveloped in a yellow glow of God’s light. He is protecting you and will see you through.” And He did.

As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you…
— Isaiah 66:13

My girls and I. Taken shortly after finding the light again after PPD circa September 2014

My Grandmama went to the Lord this last April with all five of her children and her dutiful husband at her bedside. As she slowly slipped away they whispered comforting words in her ears. My mother, heartbroken, yet relieved her mama was not in pain any longer, exited the nursing home. The crisp Minnesota air hitting her tear-stained face she stood in shock as a tiny yellow butterfly fluttered in front of her face. It was much too cold for butterflies to appear in April in Minnesota. To this day she will tell you it was my Grandmama angel fluttering away on golden wings to meet her Savior.

My Grandmama and my girls New Year’s Day before she passed in April.

What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the rooftops.
— Matthew 10:27

This last summer, I was having a particularly rough day. I decided to put Zarra in the running stroller and go run out my woes. Putting one weary foot in front of the other I noticed a shadow frolicking on the ground. Looking above I already knew it was my angel, my yellow butterfly, my Grandmama running along with me through my sorrow. I continue to this day to see my Grandmama in the form of a yellow butterfly especially during moments of motherhood when I need to slow down, moments of motherhood when I need to look to the sky and lean on Jesus, moments when she is happy I am out adventuring with my girls. If there was anything that woman loved the most as a mama it was a good adventure with her five babies.  

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
— 2 Corinthians 5:17

My Grandmama, my mama and 4 sturdy oaks circa 1961

I dedicate this blog post to my late Grandmama, Marilyn Colby Smith. May I frolic with her on golden wings in heaven some day.

Kelsey was born and raised in Colorado. She is married to her high school sweet heart –Chad. Together they created two spirited and sweet girls – Addelyn (7) and Zarra (3). When she is not wrangling kids, she loves to be outside, sleep under the stars and do just about anything active – hiking, yoga, kickboxing, running, you name it. She came to the Lord when her eldest daughter was 2 years old and she realized she actually was not the one in control of her life. Her walk with the Lord has become stronger every day since that pivotal moment on her knees on top of a mountain. Her current favorite bible verse is 1 Peter 4:8 “Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything” (The Message). She feels her calling from the Almighty is to lift other Mamas up in any way she can.